Sunday, March 14, 2010

Mothers' Day

I struggled to lift my head off the pillow this morning. I just wanted to stay cocooned in bed all day and get up tomorrow morning like Mothers' Day had never happened. It's taking all of my willpower to function today, to hold myself together, but what I really long to do - to lie in a dark room, barely functioning apart from displacing air - doesn't meet the criteria of good daughter or daughter-in-law. I need to phone my mother and I need to organise lunch and a card and flowers for my mother-in-law, so I need to make myself function at a higher level than feels possible. I also need to make sure that I don't let them see how much I'm hurting right now, how devastated I am not to be getting the card and flowers myself, because it's hardly a good Mothers' Day present for them to see my pain on the day when they are the ones who should be being cherished.

If I hadn't lost it my baby would have reached full term this week. This has already been weighing me down with sorrow, but Mother's Day on top of that seems a cruel twist of fate's knife in my belly. Last weekend I saw my entire family and I tried to enjoy it, but the huge gulf between what I had and what I should have screamed too loudly for me to ignore and I felt set apart from them, like I was watching them all from the outside. That's when the pain started, the physical pain of feeling so much dread and sorrow at the same time, like two fierce creatures circling and fighting inside me, which has grown steadily this week so much so that the last few days I've often been found clutching my stomach for fear of losing control completely, fearing that the swelling emptiness would spill out, leaving me in pieces on the floor.

I've wanted to write about these growing feelings for a while, but I just can't connect to that deep inner place where the poetry lives. Staying in the shallows, with the occasional light-hearted poem, seems to be the only way to survive at the moment, without drowning and becoming lost forever. So I've lost my muse, or at least I've put her to sleep for a while, and I feel like I've lost some of myself too.

As for Mothers' Day, it's nearly over and I can congratulate myself that I didn't fall apart, and maybe things will be just that little bit easier now I know I've been able to survive this.



  1. Oh Pinkerbell, I'm so sorry.
    This is very hard for you, and I hear your pain.
    Sending you love and light, mimi

  2. Oh, Pinkerbell...give it need to are grieving...and in time, your muse will return...Had to come visit, and give you my love...please do not return my visit...this past Saturday's post will only make you stay away...but know that I love you, and I'm thinking about you! Janine XO

  3. Just came across this, and thought of you.
    I hope you like it.

    Please Be Gentle

    "Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
    The sea I swim in is a lonely one
    and the shore seems miles away.
    Waves of despair numb my soul
    as I struggle through each day.
    My heart is heavy with sorrow.
    I want to shout and scream
    and repeatedly ask 'why?'
    At times, my grief overwhelms me
    and I weep bitterly,
    so great is my loss.
    Please don’t turn away
    or tell me to move on with my life.
    I must embrace my pain
    before I can begin to heal.
    Companion me through tears
    and sit with me in loving silence.
    Honor where I am in my journey,
    not where you think I should be.
    Listen patiently to my story,
    I may need to tell it over and over again.
    It’s how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
    Nurture me through the weeks and months ahead.
    Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
    A small flame still burns within my heart,
    and shared memories may trigger
    both laughter and tears.
    I need your support and understanding.
    There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
    I must find my own path.
    Please, will you walk beside me?"
    Jill B Englar

  4. Thanks both of you for your support and Mimi that poem is tremendous as it says everything about going through any emotional process, not just grieving, but dealing with any kind of pain or upset.

    Thanks so much. x

  5. Oh, that is a WONDERFUL poem!!! I love it! It says it all! Just stopping by to see if you had posted again, and I'm so glad I did...Sending you much love~Janine XO

  6. Hi Janine,

    Nope. No new posts here. A combination of being busy and the fact that I'm trying to keep my mind occupied with things which don't take too much deep thought at the moment. Poetry and posting in general takes a lot of emotional effort and I've not quite got the energy at the moment.

    I hope you're well and having a lovely Easter.

    Pink x

  7. I totally understand, dear are much in my thoughts! Take care of YOU! Love you!! Janine XO